Fine establishment you've got here

The fact that so many people go to church on Sunday has had me begging the question "Why?" With such a high membership count, I had to see what the big deal was. After all, if it's so popular there must be something worthwhile to it. While attending the church, I kept hearing about the idea of "the kingdom of heaven", a place that all the Christians seem to want to go after they become deceased. They talk at great lengths about how perfect it is and yet I haven't the slightest clue on what goes on in this kingdom. The idea of a place with monarchy as its government structure seems to be rather barbaric and backwards. And with the almighty leader God as its king, I began to find the whole idea unsettling. He rules with absolute power, much like a totalitarian would and if my education was right, that's not a good thing. What if God decided to designate Tuesdays as "eat-as-many-ketchup-chips-as-you-can-in-a-24-hour-span day"? I would certainly not be in favor of that but my opinion wouldn't matter since his word is absolute. The idea of heaven goes against everything I stand for as an American. Americans have died so that the notion of freedom, liberty and democracy may live on. But we want to go to heaven where none of that exists? A bit foolish, I would say. I'm sure that God is a nice person and has the best intentions but didn't Hitler have the best intentions for his people? What if God had gas chambers outside the gates for the sinners? I'm sure Christians don't hate sinners THAT much. And besides, how can heaven be perfect anyways? A fortnight ago, my wife (my gratitude goes out to the liberal media) Tatiana and I had supper with our neighbors and...well, let me just say that they had a different taste than us. Our neighbors wanted to share their love of nipple chips and caviar-stuffed ovaries with us. "They're delightfully juicy," they said. It took all of my willpower to not abruptly stand up and say "Those were once part of a human! What are we, cannibals?", but alas I did not and took a sample. The nipple chips weren't entirely intolerable. But what will happen if my neighbors and I go to heaven? Will they cater to my neighbor and serve us all testes? How can there be a heaven that satisfies everyone?

I feel that heaven is like a country club. A place where everyone says is grand and marvelous and notes how exclusive it is as if it meant something but when you enter it, you notice that everything isn't as great as they say and that the bartender does not even know how to mix a Rum and Coke. If I wanted Pepsi, I would have asked for it.