Fine establishment you've got here

The fact that so many people go to church on Sunday has had me begging the question "Why?" With such a high membership count, I had to see what the big deal was. After all, if it's so popular there must be something worthwhile to it. While attending the church, I kept hearing about the idea of "the kingdom of heaven", a place that all the Christians seem to want to go after they become deceased. They talk at great lengths about how perfect it is and yet I haven't the slightest clue on what goes on in this kingdom. The idea of a place with monarchy as its government structure seems to be rather barbaric and backwards. And with the almighty leader God as its king, I began to find the whole idea unsettling. He rules with absolute power, much like a totalitarian would and if my education was right, that's not a good thing. What if God decided to designate Tuesdays as "eat-as-many-ketchup-chips-as-you-can-in-a-24-hour-span day"? I would certainly not be in favor of that but my opinion wouldn't matter since his word is absolute. The idea of heaven goes against everything I stand for as an American. Americans have died so that the notion of freedom, liberty and democracy may live on. But we want to go to heaven where none of that exists? A bit foolish, I would say. I'm sure that God is a nice person and has the best intentions but didn't Hitler have the best intentions for his people? What if God had gas chambers outside the gates for the sinners? I'm sure Christians don't hate sinners THAT much. And besides, how can heaven be perfect anyways? A fortnight ago, my wife (my gratitude goes out to the liberal media) Tatiana and I had supper with our neighbors and...well, let me just say that they had a different taste than us. Our neighbors wanted to share their love of nipple chips and caviar-stuffed ovaries with us. "They're delightfully juicy," they said. It took all of my willpower to not abruptly stand up and say "Those were once part of a human! What are we, cannibals?", but alas I did not and took a sample. The nipple chips weren't entirely intolerable. But what will happen if my neighbors and I go to heaven? Will they cater to my neighbor and serve us all testes? How can there be a heaven that satisfies everyone?

I feel that heaven is like a country club. A place where everyone says is grand and marvelous and notes how exclusive it is as if it meant something but when you enter it, you notice that everything isn't as great as they say and that the bartender does not even know how to mix a Rum and Coke. If I wanted Pepsi, I would have asked for it.

The human spirit

Blasphemous is the only way I can describe the current human condition. I had thought that America had progressed. If there was one thing that I have learned while growing up in white liberal suburbia, it is this: tolerance. We've battled against all forms of bigotry like slavery, racism and communism and triumphed in the end. We've made many strides in our tolerance by embracing the gay community. With this I could only have one question: how can a society that accepts a union between a man and a man not also accept a union between a man and a dead man? You see folks, during my time serving the public with my burial services with competitive rates, I have realized that they are still human. Why do we consider a person not human simply because their heart no longer beats? The blood stagnates, but the spirit still courses the veins. The spirit still lives on in the body and still needs love. I know this because I am in love with Tatiana, the woman who I was suppose to bury in April. When I prepared her for the funeral, I slowly unzipped the body-bag exposing her pearl white face and was instantly smitten. We went out on many dates. Oh how joyous they were, I can still remember how morbidly nervous I was on our first date. I was so nauseous, I nearly threw up (but I did anyways)! After three months, we are now happily engaged. Great news right? Until I went to the nearby church and was denied my marriage. I cannot believe that we say that we live in "the land of the free" when the marriage of two people in love is denied. This is an oppression on dead people! The dead may not have working organs, but they still have a working soul. If you ignore that soul, you are a killer. A soul still needs us and by neglecting it, you kill it.

Fight for the Dead's rights. Contact your local congressmen and tell them that souls deserve love. This is an outrageous show of bigotry and must be corrected.

Porn for blind ppl

http://pornfortheblind.org/

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs

Azns. Smartest group of people? or are they?

The Asians have always been known to be the smartest group of people in the world. They pay attention to teachers, they do all their homeworks on time, they can do math calculations in their heads, and they ask questions that make professors go "Great question young man!" (I say "young man" because Asians girls are too shy and are afraid to ask questions in front of many people. Or sometimes they get into car accidents so they can't make it to class. Plus they're hot so they don't really need to pay attention in class).

Based on a 2005 research, statistically(88.23% of statistical data are made up), Asians score the highest in SAT with the average score of 1091 (excluding Writing Section). The second place: the whites with 1068. The rest, well below 1000 with African Americans in last place with 864.

Asians(including Middle Easterners) also brought up many innovative inventions and ideas throughout history with the inventions of the number zero, sand paper, gunpowder, Jesus, and most importantly, chopsticks.

One might look at this and say "Woah! You ching changs are smart!", but I have a reason to believe that Asians are NOT the smartest group of people.

Simply consider this question:

In the field of math, science, and engineering, which racial group comes up with the most innovative ideas today?

Exactly.

The whites.

They are the most innovative thinkers when it comes to technology/engineering/math/aeronautics/etc...

While it may seem that the Asians are the smartest of the world, they are just mere robots. They do what they are told really well but cannot think of ideas on their own. Whites, on the other hand, eat a lot of hamburgers and are lazy. However, they often come up with a more significant amount of scientific breakthroughs every year. The only innovative Asian person in the field of science that I can think of is Michio Kaku but he is probably gay.

However, I can think of a large amount of innovative white scientists and mathematicians: Leonhard Euler, Brian Greene, Daniel Bernoulli, Albert Einstein, etc etc.

The truth is, Azns aren't that smart.




Michio Kaku. Smart Asian.
Probably gay.

You are what you eat.

I would like to respond to the many e-mails I have gotten regarding my new business. It has been doing well. I have received countless accolades for my conscious efforts towards a better society. I have even gotten a congratulatory letter from the town mayor! I would like to thank the community for giving me the chance to bury their dead. With such success, I have contemplated the idea of rebuilding my restaurant. I plan to rebuild the restaurant's repertoire of dishes from the ground up. This will take time as I'd like each dish to be completely original but when the restaurant finally opens, you will all be amazed. I have done some culinary experiments with some meat and I have finally created something that is like no other in the world of food. When you try this meat, your response will be similar to that of when you went to that foreign place in the hidden corners of the world and ate the meat prepared by the local tribesmen and thought it was delicious and learned that the meat you ate was actually human meat from the daily sacrifice and decided that human meat tastes so good that you are going to lobby for the legalization of human meat consumption. But you'll just have to wait until the grand opening!

I want to sing this at work

Idk why

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5VeLCMr1kE

Highway to Hell

Efficiency. It's something that we as humans strive for. Whether it's an automobile engineer team designing a car that will consume less resources for more mileage or a restaurant manager training his chefs to reuse customer left-overs(Warning: Do not reuse wine, there is some chance that a wine connoisseur may take a sip from her wine glass filled with the last customer's unfinished wine and exclaim "Do you take me for a fool? Did you honestly believe that I would not tell the difference between fresh wine and wine that has been tainted by the tongue and lips of proletariat swine? This practice is not only illegal but immoral! I shall summon forth the wrath of a thousand suns upon this establishment!" Furthermore, you may come to realize that your restaurant did not have the capability to withstand the wrath of a thousand suns when instead of opening shop the next day you were contemplating if there was a profitable business in charging people for the privilege to poop in a steaming hot giant crater), all of us want efficiency to the highest degree.

Just look at our society. Why do we have a police force? So that we can put drug dealers in jail. Why do we focus on drug dealers? Because they are the suppliers of marijuana. What is so bad about marijuana? It makes you lazy, sleepy and unproductive. In other words, marijuana causes inefficiency. Try talking to a pothead sometime, you'll realize that as you talk with a pot user that their aura reeks of inefficiency. You'll feel a burning desire that perpetually grows stronger with each passing second that you continue conversing to end the conversation. Now try talking to a person using ADHD medication like Adderall. Not only will he be more coherent in his responses, he'll hold three conversations (one with you, one with his buddy on the phone, and one with the broomstick) all the while he cleans your messy apartment! That, my friends, is efficiency. But I digress. The main reason I wanted to write this note was to tell you that while there are many things that mankind can do to become more efficient (like take more Adderall), I believe there is one thing that requires our immediate attention in regards to efficiency. That one thing is funerals.

Although the process of the funeral as a whole is quite inefficient, I believe that the physical movement of the body to its grave is the most egregious in that regard. Have you ever been stuck behind a huge line of cars behind a hearse driving at 5 miles per hour? Neither have I, but I can imagine that it would compel me to put on a very stern expression on my face as I contemplate for the next two hours if it was worth it to buy outhouses for my new business. Evidently, this is a situation that no one is dying to be in. No one wants to kill time behind a dead man's body. Therefore, I have come up with the ultimate final solution to this problem. Bear in mind that I have done a lot of research on this topic and when I present to you the solution, you may become suspicious and try to find flaws in my idea. Do not do this. I have already deliberated over every minute detail in every possible scenario that can ever be conceived possible (and impossible). My solution is this: the hearse may only go on highways, and only during rush hour. During peak hours on the highway, it is essentially being behind a slow-moving army of cars and trucks with a hearse spearheading the advance (without the actual hearse). Why not complete the picture and put the dead guy up front? No one will suspect anything different; everyone will just assume that whatever usually causes traffic had occurred. If done correctly, no one would notice anything different on the highways, but in the city they will sigh a breath of relief when they notice that they encounter significantly less funeral traffic than before. It would seem like no one ever dies!

This is only one part of the post-death process that would be more efficient in terms of time wasted on everyone's part. I have ideas for the other steps in the process such as having the mourning occur on the hearse while it's on the way. I find that cemeteries always cause me to contemplate my own mortality and make me depressed. Depression is a powerful emotion that can be physically and mentally draining. So cemeteries should be abolished in favor of a big ol' ditch where no one can see the caskets and feel unhappy. I imagine that a giant crater would also work for this...

brb

Human meat...it's whats for dinner

While I was pondering about the important issues relevant to our daily lives, I stumbled upon an idea that could solve some problems with our world. As you, the reader, may or may not know, hunger and over-population are two big problems that our planet faces. I believe we should start tapping into a resource that has too long been unused in our recent history: human flesh. I personally believe that human flesh would be a versatile meat to be cooked with that could be eaten and afforded by people of all ages, races, genders, socio-economic standings, and whatever else that may define someone.

When served in a restaurant, the waiter would present to the patron a card containing biographical information on the person that the patron would be soon eating. It would contain information like the person's favorite color and the type of people he or she hated. Eating a human would be an experience like none other because Jews could then eat Nazi war veterans and feel a sense of retribution which each chew (which would taste strangely familiar to garlic with a touch of cilantro). It would give new meaning to the phrase "justice is served". If your kids decide to sass you with the phrase "bite me", they may very well be "eating" those words (though it would be YOU doing the eating) when they realize that instead of going to school the next day, they were being shipped to the fattening farms.

I've done some rough calculations on a napkin and figured out that the average human can feed a family of five for half a week. If fattening farms are properly regulated and maintained, a human can be fed and bloated to 3-4 times his or her normal size via steroids and possibly abnormal growth mutations from radioactive material consumption (this will require testing). Because we want to fix the problem of overpopulation as soon as possible, lenient restrictions will be put in place for someone who wants to be fodder to be sent to the farms. An age restriction of 12 years seems most logical because that is roughly the age when humans are most likely to realize their futility in making anything worthwhile of their meaningless lives and wish to leave the world behind them. No parental consent will be required as this would severely limit the number of applicants that would be taken in.

The rich like to eat caviar, so how about eating the eggs of a female human? Appetizing? How about caviar-stuffed ovaries? If that doesn't get you salivating, how about a human weiner between whole wheat buns? Don't worry about the saltiness, you can hydrate by drinking the gametes from a young supple boy's testes! Don't have the hunger for a full course meal? How about nipple chips? They will come in many varieties such as baked, fried and raw (for those wacky college fraterny initiations and creepy middle-aged men with nerd lisps).

Without a doubt, this is a concept that will require more planning and deliberation however the biggest obstacle that "cannibalism" has to chew through is the stigma of such an idea. We will have to brainstorm ways to keep from dehumanizing the person while farming them Perhaps having human female farmers tenderly handle the human as if they were their mother (giving them motherly kisses and tuck them into the conveyer belt with blankets). The male human farmers could share stories and wisdom to them as they were being turned into ground meat.

This is an idea that seems completely far-fetched and something that we as humans would never do, however, most revolutionary ideas start out as such. Look at recent phenomenon such as "the gay", a disease that has never been documented in medical records throughout our human history until recently, and "the stupidness" that has sweeped our now godless America with the past election of a non-white president. These are just two of the many things that we have never thought would befall us but indeed has.

Think of the hungry. Think of the crowded public buses. In light of the facts, if you are a correct thinker like me, you will think cannibalism.

New psychological, biological, chemical, awesome Experiment.

So I was thinking about how the homosexuals, especially the dude gays, think of the other people of the same sex.
For male heteroes, if they see a woman's private parts, they get aroused. That is a given fact.

Also, if you were to take a picture of a guy's penis, and then put the picture among other pictures of penises, the person will have a hard time recognizing his own penis unless his penis is very unique looking.

So here's the experiment:
You secretly take pictures of the gay people's penises. You then tell the gays that this is a survey determining which penis shapes are the most attractive. You then show them their own penis pictures....

Do you think they will have a boner looking at their own penises?
If they do get a boner, are they gay for themselves?
Mind blowing, I know.

God hates amputees?

I pondered the question, "How do arm amputees pray to god?" I mean they don't have arms nor hands to perform the act of praying with two hands. Also...god wants people to praise him so does he hate amputees who cannot physically pray to him? Then I ventured further and wondered if they could freeze the amputated arms/hands and then just have someone bring them out of the freezer when they wanted to pray? Seems like a solid solution to this dilemma, until someone one night gets hungry and decides to bake himself (or herself) something they thought was an arm of lamb or something... There's also the fact that cancer survivors attribute their miraculous recovery to the work of god, how come god doesn't heal the amputated? It's got to be because they cannot pray properly with their hands. Amputees of the legs do not get healed as well, therefore god must also hate those that are legless. This must mean that he doesn't like people that cannot walk which makes sense because he also doesn't save dead babies that get thrown in the dumpster (I keep hearing about this in grade school).

I watched the whole video.

This is really racist but...

... there's a saying in Korea that Chinese people eat anything that moves, Japanese people eat anything that swims, and Korean people eat anything that barks.