Highway to Hell

Efficiency. It's something that we as humans strive for. Whether it's an automobile engineer team designing a car that will consume less resources for more mileage or a restaurant manager training his chefs to reuse customer left-overs(Warning: Do not reuse wine, there is some chance that a wine connoisseur may take a sip from her wine glass filled with the last customer's unfinished wine and exclaim "Do you take me for a fool? Did you honestly believe that I would not tell the difference between fresh wine and wine that has been tainted by the tongue and lips of proletariat swine? This practice is not only illegal but immoral! I shall summon forth the wrath of a thousand suns upon this establishment!" Furthermore, you may come to realize that your restaurant did not have the capability to withstand the wrath of a thousand suns when instead of opening shop the next day you were contemplating if there was a profitable business in charging people for the privilege to poop in a steaming hot giant crater), all of us want efficiency to the highest degree.

Just look at our society. Why do we have a police force? So that we can put drug dealers in jail. Why do we focus on drug dealers? Because they are the suppliers of marijuana. What is so bad about marijuana? It makes you lazy, sleepy and unproductive. In other words, marijuana causes inefficiency. Try talking to a pothead sometime, you'll realize that as you talk with a pot user that their aura reeks of inefficiency. You'll feel a burning desire that perpetually grows stronger with each passing second that you continue conversing to end the conversation. Now try talking to a person using ADHD medication like Adderall. Not only will he be more coherent in his responses, he'll hold three conversations (one with you, one with his buddy on the phone, and one with the broomstick) all the while he cleans your messy apartment! That, my friends, is efficiency. But I digress. The main reason I wanted to write this note was to tell you that while there are many things that mankind can do to become more efficient (like take more Adderall), I believe there is one thing that requires our immediate attention in regards to efficiency. That one thing is funerals.

Although the process of the funeral as a whole is quite inefficient, I believe that the physical movement of the body to its grave is the most egregious in that regard. Have you ever been stuck behind a huge line of cars behind a hearse driving at 5 miles per hour? Neither have I, but I can imagine that it would compel me to put on a very stern expression on my face as I contemplate for the next two hours if it was worth it to buy outhouses for my new business. Evidently, this is a situation that no one is dying to be in. No one wants to kill time behind a dead man's body. Therefore, I have come up with the ultimate final solution to this problem. Bear in mind that I have done a lot of research on this topic and when I present to you the solution, you may become suspicious and try to find flaws in my idea. Do not do this. I have already deliberated over every minute detail in every possible scenario that can ever be conceived possible (and impossible). My solution is this: the hearse may only go on highways, and only during rush hour. During peak hours on the highway, it is essentially being behind a slow-moving army of cars and trucks with a hearse spearheading the advance (without the actual hearse). Why not complete the picture and put the dead guy up front? No one will suspect anything different; everyone will just assume that whatever usually causes traffic had occurred. If done correctly, no one would notice anything different on the highways, but in the city they will sigh a breath of relief when they notice that they encounter significantly less funeral traffic than before. It would seem like no one ever dies!

This is only one part of the post-death process that would be more efficient in terms of time wasted on everyone's part. I have ideas for the other steps in the process such as having the mourning occur on the hearse while it's on the way. I find that cemeteries always cause me to contemplate my own mortality and make me depressed. Depression is a powerful emotion that can be physically and mentally draining. So cemeteries should be abolished in favor of a big ol' ditch where no one can see the caskets and feel unhappy. I imagine that a giant crater would also work for this...

brb